Please enjoy this guest blog written by Katerina Ballsmith from Beauty in the Pain
This year, I have wrestled with thoughts and questions about healing. Will I ever experience healing? Can healing come in the deepest of pain? Is healing out of reach in my life?
I was only fourteen when I first started feeling depressed. I wanted to isolate myself from others because of the suffering and deep emotional pain. Not only was I going through some hard months, but I was trying to understand how I could be around others and still feel completely alone.
Instead of continuing to lay down on my bed and cry, I started dancing more. I would play worship songs or classical music and dance in my bedroom or anywhere in my house where there was space.
Dance has been part of my life for several years. I started at a young age and quickly felt a passion stir inside me when I was dancing. The movement I used became how I expressed myself when there were no words to say. It was how I felt closer to God. I used movement to help me get through those months that continued to spiral into negative thoughts and sadness.
In time, I felt that I would receive healing from the depression in my early teenage years. But, as my life began changing because of chronic pain and a diagnosis, I didn’t think that my struggles emotionally would go away. I thought the depression would be part of me because the physical pain was severe. The pain in my body continued to progress quicker than I had time to process what was happening. I started believing the negative thoughts that healing would never be possible.
What if healing takes time?
This is something that has been on my mind. It’s been over four years since being diagnosed and experiencing physical pain that was a constant battle.
This year, I have noticed a change in my heart. It feels as if the Lord is starting to take away the emotional pain that has weighed heavy on my life. The last few months have been a journey of healing on the inside. Though my physical pain may never go away, emotionally, I can get better.
What has led me on a journey towards healing from depression?
To answer this, I need to reflect on what has helped me. What has impacted me the most is prayer.
Prayer is a beautiful act of surrender and talking to God. It has led me to focus on the truth that the Lord is always constant, even when pain is there. And prayer has helped me in the sleepless nights.
I spend time in prayer throughout my day. Sometimes praying is through writing in my journal or through dance. Sometimes it's when sitting in a quiet space or driving to work.
Dance has been another way that helped me to heal. When I start playing a worship song or dancing with banners, it turns my focus away from the pain. Instead, I feel God's love covering me with grace and comfort.
Then there has been the healing through conversations and being part of support groups or speaking with my counselor. When I started seeing a counselor last August, I noticed the beginning of the change. I shared about my depression, and my counselor has helped me work through the pain that I wanted to keep hidden.
So, I have continued on this journey of healing emotionally. I know that it’s a process that will take time. But, this year, those negative thoughts about the possibility of healing from depression have changed. I’m in a better place because of the continued reminders that God is there with me. I'm not enduring this suffering alone.
Encouragement To Those Struggling
Friend, healing can come. I know that I don’t have all of the answers. But, I believe now that breaking free from emotional pain can happen. This doesn’t mean that all suffering will disappear. For in this time on earth, everyone will experience seasons of pain and grief. But, the pain that is prevalent deep inside your heart can change.
I hope the Lord will lead you towards a journey where you will get better. It may not be what you expected, but it can bring you peace and comfort.
There is a beautiful verse that I reflect on when hurting inside. I hope that it speaks to you today and this season.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
God will always be with you. Let Him go through this journey of healing alongside you.
Katerina is a young adult - born and raised in Southern California. She has Charcot Marie Tooth (CMT), a neuromuscular disease that affects the peripheral nerves and weakens the muscles. Even with her pain, she is continuing her college education and working towards a bachelors in psychology. Some of her passions include dance, teaching, and writing. In the future, Katerina is looking forward to more opportunities to share her testimony and be a light to others through her suffering.
You can find her at: beautyinthepainblog.com
Or connect with her at: Katerina (@beautyinthepainblog)
For as long as I can remember, I have had a passion for helping others to find their healing. The past few years have been a test in trusting the Creator for provisions and living in complete and total worship to my King. As I find myself coming through the other side of the valley, I am learning to live with both wings moving; flying balanced and fully committed to the process of living a life of faith and trust.